Zeph @zephasaurus_hex@occult.camp

I've been looking at Secular Humanism lately. It was something that came up on a podcast, a former Christian leader who's now a Humanist chaplain, and something resonated with me. Feels like something worth considering.

But I'm taking my time, because...Loki. Obviously.

But not *so* obviously, because a big part of being Lokean for me has been abandoning the idea that I can turn to gods for help. The lesson I get from Loki is "figure it out yourself." I'm more inspired by the archetype and my inner Lokean ideal than a real being I think is really really out there talking to me.

But I dunno. It's a pretty massive identity shift, at the least.

In corporate terms, in the terms that will matter when it comes to being promoted and getting rated on my annual review that's happening now, that's all awful.

They *say* customers come first but they *mean* "getting through a lot of customers as quickly as possible" comes first.

I put individuals first. That's inefficient. I'm the slowest filler because when I'm filling I'm also answering and making calls and helping patients because everyone else is too busy.

If healthcare ran like a service instead of a business, *like it should*, I'd kick ass at it.

Just re-read and wanted to clarify that by "numbers" I don't mean actual math. XD It would be pretty bad for my job if I couldn't do the math, very dangerous for patients.

I mean the turning-people-into-numbers thing.

Higher-ups have been *hugely* focused on how many scripts are done and how quickly and how many new customers we have etc.

Which is not at all how I measure success. I don't care how many people I sold things today, I care about the people who needed help who I was able to help by navigating insurance issues and finding other pharmacies that had their meds when we didn't.

Talked to my partner last night about my work worries. That gave me some clarity going into work today and I'm generally feeling better about it.

Not about my likelihood of a promotion or the managers actually liking me. But the realization that I'm *great* at the patient care parts of my job. Possibly the best there. I'm *terrible* at the numbers/efficiency/money-making parts. So I'm not likely to get promoted, but I also am not going to stop caring about people to make greedy corporate types happy and get more money. So...meh?

I plan to look for non-profits that need pharmacy techs. That sounds awesome, actually.

I hate it and I get really depressed almost every day I'm there because the managers will say something that makes it clear they don't take me seriously. Even worse when that other tech is there and I realize what it looks like when they *do* take someone seriously.

And I want to leave because obviously I'm not succeeding here. But like also, I'm afraid it's actually because I'm incompetent and won't ever be able to find a job where I *can* succeed and maybe I just suck?

A customer made a joke about me needing a guardian yesterday and like maybe? Maybe I only *think* I pass for functional.

2/2

I think a bigger part of my feeling I don't belong is *probably* tied to work. And the fact that the church I left was *kind of* work, just the volunteer kind.

It's really hard for me to make myself seen and show my skills. Two years as a leader in a church and no one realized when I left, the minister didn't know my name.

My current managers are falling over themselves to get a tech hired after me promoted, but ignore my requests to teach me new things and have to be reminded I'm technically up for the same promotion. (Not competing for one spot, it's just the next level pharmacy tech.)

1/2

Went to a church service today, same denomination (UU) but different church from the one I left recently. Mostly frustrating, occasionally just close enough to welcoming to make me wish I actually belonged there.

But I don't belong anywhere. I don't *fit* anywhere.

And I talk a lot about accessibility and diversity especially in religious spaces, but it's really not anyone else's job to *help* me belong anywhere. You either fit with a group and their goals or you don't.

It's not terrible, not really belonging anywhere. My favorite characters are ones who don't fit anywhere.

But it is occasionally sad and hard.

Torn between eating dinner so I can take my meds and do chores or just going to bed now.

And by torn I mean, I've definitely decided I am going to bed but I'm feeling guilty about it and trying to talk myself into doing the things.

Maybe a nap?

Ah, yeah. Negative spoons are definitely a thing, and I'm starting today still down from yesterday. Sigh.

It's fine, at least I know to take it easy.

Is it possible to have negative spoons? I think I went into spoon debt today.

I picked up some sammiches for lunch today at a place where they take your name. I said "Zeph" and got a quick nod before she walked off, expected to be called "Steph" and just shrugged it off.

When they actually called me up and gave me my food, it said "Seth."

I love this place. 💗

Hurray, I have pink hair again!